right now

did anyone else notice Sigourney Weaver was the computer voice in Wall-e?

2008-07-18T14:39:06Z

and that's the man I want to be

2008-07-16T06:41:42Z

I'm gonna midly drop out of existence for awhile. I have a new job as an assistant production coordinator. Which is somewhere between babysitting adults, doing lots of paperwork and running all over town as a gopher.

On the upside, gainful film employment! Whee!

Downside, absolutely terrible hours, little sleep, no glory and lots of demands.

GO ME!

fate protects fools, little children and ships named "Enterprise"

2008-07-14T06:06:23Z

I'm an idiot but I'm safe.

I've been trying to get in shape, so today I went hiking.

For reference, A is where I parked my car. B is where I ended up and WAY UP in the right hand corner is where I wanted to go.

I felt pretty good when I started. It was early, it was nice out and I had food. I had lunch and a snack. I was ready, I even had water and my camera.

Being the trusting moron I usually am, I left my car unlocked, parked next to everyone else who seemed to be in the park, and started walking. There's a trail that goes up to Munro Lake. It's only 3km, (6 round trip) I figured I could do that and feel good about myself.

So I walk, and walk and walk, and after two hours of going uphill. (insert terrain map, so you can see HOW MUCH of an idiot I actually am.

It's uphill, it's drastically uphill, but it's REALLY pretty.

So, I find this note, it's a yellow piece of paper, stuck on a tree by a fork in the road that says something along the lines of, dear park service, this trail sucks but I tried to follow it anyway, couldn't find what I wanted.

So then, I'm curious. So, I follow the bad trail.

Now, if you want to keep track. Mistake number one was not telling anyone where I was going. Mistake number two was leaving my car unlocked, mistake number three was following the bad trail.

BUT it's pretty! So I'm happy. I walk another hour, think about turning around, THEN I fall.

Now, I fall pretty spectacularly, my shoes are not the best on wet rocks, the rocks are wet and I fall/slide/slip/tumble down into a creek. (I do not land in the creek)

I can't get up, it's very very steep. I figure, hey, I follow the river for awhile, see if it gets less steep.

(number 4, for those playing at home)

It doesn't, in fact, it gets worse and there is now basically no way to find my way back to the trail.

At this point mom calls. We chat, I scramble over rocks and trees and FAIL miserably at avoiding blackberries. Blackberries hurt and I am wearing SHORT PANTS.

(number 5, dear listeners) Mom leaves. Andrew calls because mom texted him that I was lost. WE chat. I think I'm okay.

It's 5pm now. For the record, I started around 11:30. It's buggy. It's hot. I can't find the lake I wanted. I have eaten my lunch and drank all my water. My knee is really ugly, but my ankles hurt worse. Mom calls again, I promise to call if I am not out by seven.

Seven comes. I am stubborn. I am running out of cell battery and I am hot, bitten, torn up by blackberries, rocks and trees but I won't admit it to mom because I can see power lines. I'm good, right?

(number 6!)

Eight comes. It's getting dark. Now I let mom call the police. The police call me, I get transfered. I have no landmarks. I can't here the siren from the car by my car. (by now my car is a suspicious vehicle report because it was left unlocked by a firing range)

I'm filthy now. My ankles are so torn up I end up sacrificing my beach towel, tearing it into strips and tying them around my ankles. This actually helps. Now only my hands and arms are being destroyed.

I keep walking. I loose reception. I finally finally finally see a lone piece of orange flagging tape in a tree. It doesn't lead anywhere, but near that is an old, desperately overgrown road. I follow that. I foloow that down and down and down and down and finally emerge on a dirt road at a firing range. Note it is not the firing range I started at.

I still don't have reception so I start walking. After half an hour an elderly couple and their dog bandit drive by. They're looking for a lost dog. I'm nearly as pathetic as one, so I get in back of the jeep with Bandit. Bandit is a warm, heavy mutt who is only to happy to shed all over me and lie on my lap. I have never been happier be shed upon in my life. Bandit is like heaven on my lap.

We drive back. I am chastised for parking where I parked. (just because everyone else did it, doesn't mean you can American girl) I am chastised for leaving my car open. I am chastised for leaving my purse in the trunk. No, Opal, it is NOT safe there.

The police will take it.

*headdesk*

My make-shift towel-based pants lengtheners are so torn up I have to cut them off with an exacto knife when I get home. My pants have four holes in then, two in the butt from sliding on things, one on the hip from a tree and one by the knee from a rock.

I learn from Bandit's people that their are cougars and bears and I am massively lucky none of them ate me. I learn no one really drives on that road and if they haven't been looking for a dog, I would have probably slept there.

All in all, I didn't fall down a cliff that was dangerous. I was not eaten or harassed or robbed or even given a ticket.

Fate was definitely on my side.

I need a new header

2008-07-09T08:23:01Z

sometimes I make them, but I am not strong on the art kung fu. I am, at this moment, WAY TOO LAZY to look for one, so I'll take the first one someone links me.

Then I'll make the journal match.

(way to save me from myself flist)

a nice paper cut with a little lemon juice

2008-07-03T15:51:07Z

Not only am I not hungover (taking away a lovely excuse to do nothing), I've also somehow lost my iPod and my glasses.

And the new york apartment is only so big...

....

2008-07-03T04:40:13Z

I'm getting drunk.

not really in the positive sense. this is a belligerent, depressed drunk.

frakking website of doom!!!

2008-07-01T22:04:39Z

www.middlecon.org

IS UP

go go flying monkeys.

friends only and stuff

2008-06-23T03:35:07Z

I'm locking this journal down. I'll leave it up for the fic, but I'm moving myself and my personal life somewhere else.

Comments on here will be screened, comment if you want to come along for my real life. (I'll add you and then you can add me back if you choose. I promise not to be offended if you just came for the fic.

I need art

2008-06-04T16:29:13Z

web art, preferably large things without people in them.

I'm working on a movie! (yay!) I know a lot of you flisters are artistic, I need line art, geeky art, anything you've made personally that you wouldn't mind having on the wall in the back of a shot in a little film in Vancouver.

thanks in advance!!

Fic: Starless

2008-05-03T20:11:03Z

Title: Starless
Author: oparu
Rating: R
Pairing: Elizabeth/John
Beta: calleigh_j was here and she fixed an 'h'. That counts!
Notes: For notjustclosts I'm being naughty and combining challenge one and two. (I can do that, right?) For episode "Suspicions"

Elizabeth shifted in bed and tried not to look at the ceiling. Something up there, above her bed in the strange alien room she'd made hers, glowed blue from time to time. She thought it was some kind of time keeping device and when she couldn't sleep, it was like a clock or a dripping faucet. Three flashes and she was still awake. Four flashes and it was past midnight.

Turning her eyes to her window she sighed in annoyance and stared out over the black ocean. Most of the lights in the city were on the other side of the tower than her room and without them it was like looking out into space. She found the effect of the starless sky over the black water strangely unnerving. As if she'd been swallowed whole by a strange black void.

John liked it and she almost hated him for it. She hated him for a lot of things. His hair, his smirk, the way he didn't quite follow orders and ended up being right half the time. Some part of her liked his hair and she rolled over again in frustration.

She didn't want to start out with arguments and an inquisition. She didn't want to be the bad guy while John was the voice of reason and togetherness. Did he trust her? How could she trust herself?

Or him?

Her hand brushed over her breast through her shirt and she shut her eyes before the fifth flash of blue light reminded her what time it was. Her breast rebelled and wanted her hand to keep touching. Sighing again and wondering if that, of all things, was why she couldn't sleep, Elizabeth let her hand stay on her breast. Slipping her right hand down her stomach, she tucked it under the waistband of her standard issue black pajama pants. When there wasn't quite enough room to move, she groaned and slid the damn things down to her knees. If she wasn't going to, she might as well-

Who was she kidding?

Her hand rested lightly against her thigh and her other hand flattened her breast to her chest. Biting her lip for a moment, she pushed Simon and his gentle lips out of her mind. She didn't want gentle. Fuck, she wanted spiky hair and that angry-eyes flashing rebellion. So few people ever told her no the way he did.

John stood in her office, one hand in his pocket and the other in his hair. He was sheepishly trying to apologize and all she was thinking about was how damn good that black t-shirt looked on his chest.

Elizabeth's left hand ran over her stomach and down to grab her thigh.

John grinned up at her from his table in the mess hall and lazily patted the chair next to him. "Just like high school," he quipped as she stared at the chair. "This is the cool kids table, well, it was until McKay--"

Her finger ran down over her labia, starting at the base gave her fingers a chance to steal some of the dampness. She wasn't quite wet, but she could work with what she had. Biting her lip as she tightened her left and on her own thigh, she pulled her knees up. Slipping her fingers inside for a moment made them wet enough to slide over her clit. Elizabeth moved her hand up to her breast and squeezed it hard. Imagining John's slightly stubbled chin brushing against her neck made her fingers move faster.

Letting her breath quicken, she switched to her thumb on her clit and slid her fingers inside. Pressing up made her head spin faster and she pushed herself harder. Even when no one could hear her, she felt stupid moaning. This time the sound slipped involuntarily from her mouth. Bending in and then away from her hand, Elizabeth pushed herself just past the start of her orgasm. Moving her thumb in a slow circle until she couldn't think anymore, she let her hand stop when she shuddered.

Leaving her pants half-off, she brought her hand to her stomach and stared up at the ceiling. The blue flash came again and this time, she smiled at it.

They had time.

Dragonwell: part 3

2008-04-27T08:49:15Z

Title: Dragonwell part 3
Author: oparu
Rating: R
Pairing: Elizabeth/John, guest Sam/Jack, Ba'al/Vala
Head Cheerleader: lanna_kitty FTW.
Notes: AU of the highest order. Pirate craziness. Elizabeth falls deeper in to the underworld of piracy and plotting. Jack sets his plan in motion.

"There's blood in your hair," John began as he untied her curls and let them loose. The left side of her head barely moved and he sighed as he reached for the laces of her shirt.

"Wait," she stopped his hands firmly and held them above her chest.

"Yes?" John stopped amused as he stared down at her.

"What is this?" Elizabeth wondered as she tried to find a way past him out of the bathroom. Her back was against the wall and he was already stoking the little stove to fill the ancient tub with hot water. "Am I paying you? Am I being paid?"

"I'm cleaning your hair," John evaded her questions with a maddeningly gentle smile. "Sometimes, doctor, things are what they seem."

"I could do that myself," Elizabeth complained as she tried to rub the lingering sensation of his touch on her hands off of her skin. "You aren't indebted to me, not more than a few hundred--"

John ran a wet thumb over her lips and shook his head slowly. "Believe it or not, doctor, occasionally I do things simply because I want to."

"This world doesn't have room for wanting," Elizabeth shot him down as she held her shirt shut over the fabric binding her breasts. He turned from her and turned spigots on the wall until water started to pour into the ancient steel tub. It splashed and sang against the metal. The room was starting to steam up and the air felt good against her skin. Her skin wanted John to keep touching her face.

"That's a dark way to look at things," he sighed for her and pulled a string on the wall. Chuck was in the doorway a moment later. "Excuse me," he offered to her with a nod of his head before he turned to the other man.

"I want you to get the Czech, tell him I have a contract that needs his type of finesse," John began the message and paused to think. "Tell him it's the contract he's been wanting to do since last summer," he finished as something darkened in his hazel eyes. When he was angry, they were nearly brown, but they were always distracting.

Elizabeth realized she'd known the man for all of a few hours and something was cracking in her finely crafted facade. Men were a means to an end. Simon had gotten her out of the tiny seaside town she'd been born in. Cameron had made her feel like her body was something to be worshipped and admired. Evan had been just what she needed at the time. John was something else.

He was lazily sexual. Even as he leaned over the tub and made sure he liked the temperature of the water, his limbs suggested they had better uses. His butt when he bent down was nearly perfect in his tight, black trousers. She had no right to be thinking about it, but he knew. John's relaxed smile as he balanced on the edge promised he knew exactly what she was thinking.

"I could leave you alone to bathe," he offered simply shrugging his toned shoulders. "You think you would rather I did," John mused as he started to slip off one of his boots and set it by the bathroom door as he shut it. "But you know that's not true."

"I thought you weren't allowed to have personal relationships," she argued feebly as he stepped out of his other boot and left it neatly by the door. John started undoing the buttons of his waistcoat and shook his head at her playfully.

"You know housemasters can do as they like," he corrected as his waistcoat opened to a simple black linen shirt. The fabric was tight and expensive, clinging to the lines of his body like morning dew on the deck. "And I find you've intrigued me," John continued as he started towards her. Blood had made her shirt stiff, and though she ached to have it off her skin, Elizabeth still wasn't sure.

"Because I've lived as a man?" she ventured as his dangerous hands settled on her collar.

"I've known other women to live as you do," he answered with a twinkle in his eye. His lip curled in anticipation as he started to pull the laces free from her fingers. "It's something else."

Elizabeth had a hard time believing it was just that he found her attractive. Men in his position were taught to find the beauty in each woman, so a simple infatuation was out of the question. "You want to believe that you've sudden decided you find me interesting enough to forgo your usual, extravagant fee?"

His laugh sounded like empty barrels rolling across the deck, or feet dancing in the hold. It was almost too rich to be real, but, Elizabeth couldn't hear that it was forced. She wondered if she could tell if it was. She had nearly built a life out of lies, but flock were special. Flock built whole worlds out of their lies. Worlds where anyone could be loved like royalty, if only for that moment.

"Is it so hard to believe?" John asked as he steadily worked his way down her shirt. Only her hands were holding it over the bandages that bound her breasts. "Occasionally, I find someone who intrigues me," he started to explain as he reached down pulled her shirt free of her trousers. His legs were between hers, teasing as she tried not to feel trapped between him and the wall. "You are fascinating."

"I'm not," Elizabeth retorted as she tried to ignore his knee slipping along her thigh. "Other than pretending to be a doctor, I know very little of interest and have done little with my life," her protest was halfhearted as he suddenly slipped her shirt down around her waist and exposed the smooth skin of her stomach.

"You've made it this far," John muttered into the cool skin of her shoulder before he turned down to touch the dried blood crusting on the tiny hairs of her arm. "You've saved my Laura and that is of great interest to me."

She gasped as his touch twisted the dried blood uncomfortably over her skin. It wasn't the pain that mattered, instead, it was the fact that he was touching her. Evan had touched her and it hadn't felt like this. Once, a very long time ago, she'd slept each night in Simon's bed as his wife, and she'd never felt like this. Elizabeth felt like she was crawling out of her skin and John could somehow reach through and run his hands along the naked nerves.

"I did it because Evan asked me," she murmured shyly wondering if he'd understand what she meant.

Running his thumb down along the sharp collarbone of her chest, John smiled patiently and remarked, "You're not in love with him." His confidence trickled into her chest like hot tea. "He made you feel needed and it's been too long since anyone let you feel that."

"You're seducing me," she protested as he reached for the straight pin holding her bandages in place.

Still smiling as he started to pull the pin free, John shook his head. "This is all for as much my enjoyment as yours," he corrected leaning back and rubbing the pin thoughtfully between his fingers. "Do you know how often I can afford myself the luxury of enjoying a seduction?" he asked as he stopped and ran his free hand through his hair. Letting it down from the ponytail at the nape of his neck, John had a soft innocence to him that made her breath catch.

"In my line of work, I can ill-afford a mistress who will become jealous," he continued honestly. "I am father and Shepard of my house. I am liar, cheat, whore and spy." The sincerity in his bright green eyes was almost more than she could stand to look at. "I cannot even remember when a kiss was given to me freely."

"A kiss is the beginning," Elizabeth murmured as she let the bandage slide down off her chest. Her breasts ached to be free of it, and the first touch of air against her nipples made her sigh.

"The overture of the dance," he finished for her with a pleased smile. "You were taught."

Returning his smile faintly, she tried to ignore the feeling of blood rushing up to her cheeks to stain them pink with embarrassment. "More practiced upon than taught," she insisted hoping he wouldn't expect she knew much more than the ritual sayings of the flock. "We grew up together, and when he started his training, he thought it wouldn't hurt me to know--"

Chuckling faintly, John reached for her chin and held it. "What do you know?"

Turning her head slightly as she studied his lips, Elizabeth parted hers the way she'd been taught a very long time ago, and let the feel of his breath guide her to his mouth. She knew she wasn't supposed to look away, that the connection between their eyes was nearly as important as the touching of their skin. Feeling the warmth of him on the sensitive nerves, she followed it in and lightly let the just her bottom lip touch his mouth. Cautiously letting him slip from her gaze, she felt the symmetry of his upper lip against her own as she tried to avoid the stubble that must be on his face.

Forgetting how much care flock took to be clean shaven, Elizabeth sighed into the kiss when she didn't feel his hairs digging into her skin. John let her lead, which immediately brought her back to soft memories of a very young man wrapping his hands around her back and demanding she learn how to kiss. Knowing she had to stop kissing John and doing it were two very different things.

"Too long," he teased when she finally released him. John must have been able to sense her melancholy thoughts because the hand on the back of her neck brought her rushing back to the present and her nearly naked chest in the sweet smelling air. "You are supposed to lead with the kiss, but never overwhelm in the first moment. They have to want more you. Feel that they have discovered you but do not understand."

Elizabeth nibbled his bottom lip playfully and winked at him as she eased him a little closer. Feeling him between her legs felt better than letting her breasts free. He guided her up onto the edge of the ancient tub they used for bathing, sneaking his hands into the top of her drawers, he returned her nibbling with a gentleness that only made her want to push him further out of his shell of respectability. Her foot was starting to pull him in close enough for her to reach his clothing when the moment was over.

Popping like a soap bubble, or a fragile sail in a storm, the connection between them vanished into vague disappointment when Evan burst in. He nodded quickly to Elizabeth in apology before he spoke. "Ba'al's men are ransacking your room at the inn, doctor," he explained as he watched John's eyes harden. "She's been linked to Osiris with suspicions of passing information to his black guards."

Elizabeth accepted the pin from John's apologetic hand and started to rewrap her bandages. Evan reached to help her as John started rearranging his clothing back into place. "What does it mean?" she asked softly staring from Evan's stoic face to John's suddenly hard eyes.

"It's part of the plan," John explained as he helped Evan tuck her shirt back in. "I apologize that we do not have more time," he offered with real regret as he retied up her hair and fixed his own. "I did enjoy kissing you."

Evan grinned impishly behind his head and Elizabeth tried not to show her amusement. "Kate thinks Laura will be all right to move, but she would like you to take another look at her," he requested as he cleared his expression. "Doctor, if you would." Hurrying after Evan, Elizabeth barely had a moment to look at John as he grabbed his good sword from his personal chambers and slipped into the stairs behind her.

"This will be fast," he whispered into the back of her neck. "It will be confusing, terrible and not make any sense to you but I have to ask you to trust me."

Evan was a few steps ahead and John nearly knocked her down when she stopped abruptly to look him in the eyes. "I'll trust you," Elizabeth replied simply. "If you betray me, you'll wish the Egyptians had you in one of their precious oubliettes."

He caught her chin again making the most of the moment they had before he nodded. "Jack is coming," he offered as he headed for the hall and the street beyond. "Hold to that."

Kate already had Laura wrapped in blankets and splints of wood. "I hate to move her," the blonde shook her head as she listened to John locking the door behind him. "After what she's been through but this house will no longer be safe."

Elizabeth didn't take the time to ask where they were fleeing to. Instead, she brought her hands to Laura's neck and checked that her heart beat strong and sure. Her skin was cool to the touch and so far, she'd avoided infection. "Where are you taking her?" she asked hoping that it was something they could tell her.

"I don't know," Kate replied honestly as Evan shook his head.

"John knows the plan," Evan added to Kate's explanation. "He's tidying up loose ends. He brought in the Czech for Aiden." The last of his words for for Kate and she seemed to take a moment to catch her breath before she nodded.

"I thought he might," she sighed as she ran her eyes loving over the sitting room. "It has been pleasant here. I think I shall miss it."

Evan offered his arm and she took his hand firmly. "This is the right thing to do," he reminded her with as he covered her hand with both of his. "John is right when he speaks of real freedom. You believe him as much as I do."

The idea of real freedom made Elizabeth's heart skip in her chest. Freedom to walk the streets as she choose, without being responsible to husband or lord was a luxury she wasn't sure she'd ever known again. John's words hung in her mind like bouys on the horizon.

It couldn't possibly be her Jack. Evan and Kate were both too young to have known him. She didn't even know which flock he'd joined when he'd left the tiny fishing village they'd been raised in. Had he been in this house? Had John known him? Elizabeth tried to keep her mind on the growing roar of the crowd in the streets but her memories kept intruding. Jack had known swordplay. He'd been one of the best before he'd joined the flock. His abilities certainly rivaled that of Ba'al himself now. Why was Ba'al looking for her? She'd never even been in the same city as Osiris, how could she?

Evan and Kate lifted Laura in the hammock of a blanket between them and carried her gently towards the back of the house. "The guards are coming for you," Chuck explained as he fell into step with Evan and Kate. "John has to give you to Ba'al---"

Elizabeth's skin crawled as if she were buried in rotting fish.

"-You will be safe," Chuck continued as she followed him out into the alleyway behind the house. Without the thick walls of the house, Elizabeth could hear deep horns of Osiris' envoys and the shouts of the angry crowd as the heavy carriages approached.

"Safe from what?" she asked the three sets of eyes as they slipped into the back of a covered wagon.

"Let Vala have you," Evan suggested as he caught Kate's nod of agreement. "Pretend to resist, but let her take you, no matter what happens, John was very specific on that matter."

Elizabeth turned over her shoulder and tried not to shiver at the thought of someone taking her anywhere. Jack's plan hadn't involved her being taken. "And Vala is?"

"The Lady Qe'tesh is not amused by this insolence!" A sharp female voice cut through the alleyway. A tall, thin woman wrapped in the tightest black leather sheath, leaned down to Elizabeth from the back of her immaculate black horse. "i think I shall enjoy breaking you."

Evan, Kate, Chuck and the wagon started to move as John appeared behind the horse. His face was devoid of expression, but his calm, quiet eyes told her to trust him. "I hope this will do, lady?" John asked with his eyes downcast like a good slave. Vala called him forward and allowed him to caress the tip of her boot before she kicked him aside.

"For now," she murmured as she moved the horse forward. Elizabeth could smell the sweat of the horse and the stench of the dirty street beneath her feet. John wanted her to go with Vala and this Egyptian was Vala.

When Vala, the Lady Qe'tesh, Elizabeth corrected herself, leaned to get a closer look at the doctor spying for Osiris, she did the most impudent thing she could think of and grabbed Vala's neck. Nearly pulling her out of the saddle as she clung to the Egyptian woman as she struggled, Elizabeth fought her way into a struggling, angry kiss. Qe'tesh was surprisingly gentle and quick to respond to Elizabeth's ruse. Biting her own lip, the Egyptian filled Elizabeth's mouth with blood as she screamed and broke away.

John's eyes flashed his amusement and Qe'tesh actually allowed herself to laugh as she wiped what was supposed to be Elizabeth's blood from her lips and spat. "My husband will let me wear your hide to court, traitor," she purred as she removed the snaking black whip from her belt. "That is, if there is any of it left when I'm done with you."

The whip sang past her head and Elizabeth only held her ground through sheer force of will. Qe'tesh pulled the whip back and then wrapped it around Elizabeth's neck.

"Ride with me or walk with the other slaves?" she asked as she kicked John and forced him to offer Elizabeth a hand up to her saddle. "I'll be taking this one's impudence out of your reward."

"Yes, lady," John agreed as he let Elizabeth see him smile. "As you wish."

Vala held Elizabeth on the saddle in front of her all the way back to Ba'al's mansion. More guards than Elizabeth had ever seen parted as Vala approached the gate. As she looked around, she caught the fear in the eyes of the guards and the way their parting was like that of small fish fleeing the path of a hungry shark. Riding her horse across the inner courtyard, Vala only stopped when she reached the very steps of Ba'al's mansion house. The stone steps gleamed in the late afternoon sun as her horse pawed at them impatiently.

"When I push you off the horse, fall hard," Vala whispered into Elizabeth's ear. "Look like it hurt," she ordered as she drew her arm back. An expert elbow narrowly missed the back of Elizabeth's head as Vala shoved her down to the ground. Hitting with her feet first, Elizabeth did as she was told, favoring her left knee and keeping her head down. Above her at the head of the stairs, the heavy oak doors creaked to announce the presence of the Governor of Cheyenne.

"What have you caught now kitten?" Ba'al's deep voice rang out through his holdings. The guards rustled and Elizabeth heard hands moving to sword hilts.

Vala's delicate boots dropped to the flagstones by Elizabeth's head, and the dainty hands that had held the reins of her horse and Elizabeth in the saddle, dropped to caress twin daggers on her upper thighs. The kick Vala directed towards her was absorbed by the flagstones but Elizabeth gruffly cried out anyway. She couldn't be sure how far the deception went. Was it for Ba'al? Was he really as cruel and terrible of a man as he claimed to be?

His boots were of the finest black leather, and unlike most Egyptians she had seen, Ba'al's clothes were fairly simple and only vaguely imbued with gold and riches. That alone was odd for a Egyptian. Osiris' reputation was built on his search for wealth, and Ba'al was rumored to hold his position only because Cheyenne was rich enough to pay whatever ridiculous taxes Osiris levied against them. Perhaps she should have spent more time listening to the current political situation before launching herself into the storm.

Ba'al's hand dropped into her hair and dragged her head from the stones. He took great care to grab her hair in whole, as to not hurt her even as he sneered at her. When he ripped her eyes up, Elizabeth made sure she appeared fearful. With Vala's blood still smeared on her face, she must have been convincing enough. Somewhere, deep in his stunning brown eyes, Ba'al was as amused as Vala had been.

"The whelp kissed me," Vala pouted like a spoiled child. "Drew up his filthy lips and kissed me like a whore."

Ba'al's hand snaked around his to grab Vala firmly by the upper thigh. The Egyptian style of dress was scare and nearly indecent by European standards, Vala's tight black sheath had long slits on the side that let her ride and fight freely far better than a European costume would have done. She had none of the skirts and stays Elizabeth hated so.

Ba'al's eyes gleamed with pride and Elizabeth wasn't sure she had seen it at all, but when he dragged her to her feet, it was still there. "Do you want me to punish him love?" A sharp backhand almost hurt as it crossed her face, but made more of a sound than injury. The naked pride was still in the governor's eyes and Elizabeth couldn't have been more confused by it.

"I'd rather do it personally," Vala begged dragging a dainty finger across Elizabeth's neck. "He's really a lovely spy. They should have sent him to you through the flock instead of disguising him as a doctor."

"Flock are really more to your taste, darling," Ba'al purred as he took a last, long look into Elizabeth's eyes. Something in her gut insisted she knew him, this governor-actor who was not what he seemed. "In fact," he raised his voice from the pleasant flirtation he'd been enjoying with his wife, to a mocking frustration. "This little doctor was trying to hide with your favorite plaything."

"John is innocent," Vala protested as she quickly knocked Elizabeth's head back down. The hint of fear she left in her voice sent a shiver through the courtyard. The lies ran deep in the house of Ba'al and Elizabeth could only listen in amazement and wonder what secrets the two Egyptians were passing in their eyes. "He came to me immediately, exposing this traitorous wretch for what he is." Another kick towards Elizabeth, and she grunted and favored the knee she had supposedly fell on. She'd have to limp when she stood, she reminded herself softly. "Let me play with my little doctor here, and I'll write you a confession personally."

"One that saves your whore," Ba'al quipped as he rolled his eyes. Vala grabbed the front of his suit and pulled him into a passionate kiss. For the first time since she had met either of them, Elizabeth sensed a grain of truth. The kiss, at least, was not entirely for show.

"He's not as good as you," Vala murmured as she nuzzled Ba'al's neck. "You know that my lord husband."

"Take him," Ba'al spat at Elizabeth's head. "Do as you will with him. I want him strung up by the time Osiris and his scum-" he corrected himself with a rich chuckle, "-I mean, the God-King and his royal guards arrive tomorrow."

Grabbing the cord that lashed Elizabeth's hands together, Vala dragged her towards the stairs into the house. "As you wish, my husband," she leered at Elizabeth and stroked the dagger on her hip. "He'll be in enough pieces for that."

Elizabeth remembered to limp but she could feel Ba'al's eyes on her back. She didn't know him, she couldn't. She'd lived her life in the fishing village she'd been born to, and then on any ship in need of a good doctor after Simon had died. She hadn't seen the Egyptian governor, nor did he have any reason to look at her as he had.

Dazed by the meeting, she barely paid any attention as Vala dragged her through the winding corridors to the highest tower of the mansion. The black stairs leading in a tight spiral up to the torture room were tiny and Vala was pressed against her, shoving her forward the entire way. Elizabeth couldn't figure out why, until she realized no guards would fit.

"You can stop limping," Vala offered easily as she shut and bolted the first door behind them. "Unless I truly hurt you?" she wondered with real concern in her face. When Elizabeth allowed herself to take a good look at the Egyptian woman, she found stunningly large and expressive blue eyes staring back at her. "I didn't, did I?"

"No," Elizabeth replied dumbly brushing the straw and dirt from her clothing. The room in front of her was a torture room of exquisite design. Wicked metal contraptions, straps and mysterious bloodstains were all over the walls and floor. No part of it was left unused and even the tiny, barred windows were ominous. Draping herself lazily over the rack, Vala eyed her up and nodded her approval.

"John was right," she appraised thoughtfully. "You pass decently as a man. Don't kiss like one though," she teased and giggled when Elizabeth blushed for a moment. "That truly was inspired."

"It was the most impudent thing I could think of," Elizabeth admitted as Vala gestured for her to sit on bench adorned with gleaming tools of maiming and tearing flesh.

"That bit should be sharp enough for the cord on your hands," Vala pointed for a moment before she gave up and slit it personally. "We have some time to ourselves. I usually intimidate my prisoners until I break them, and then beat them to a bloody pulp."

Elizabeth shuddered and flexed her wrists. "Are we skipping that part?"

"I'll make it look good," Vala promised as she studied Elizabeth's face and clothing. "I'll have to be careful that I don't expose anything delicate. Can't have Osiris knowing our hand-picked excuse for one of his spies is a woman. The tyrant would never employ a woman and he knows it. We'd be admitting publicly we don't know him at all."

"Seems complex," Elizabeth nodded as she studied the room in greater detail. No anatomy she had studied had prepared her for the ways a person could damage it.

Vala followed her eyes and shuddered. "There was a time when this was used for what it is," she admitted slipping back to her feet and heading for the corner. "That was a long time ago, before Ba'al was governor and things started to improve."

"The guards and the people still fear both of you like the black death," Elizabeth interjected as she watched Vala emerge from a black chest with a bottle of rum and a folded cloth full of food.

"It's necessary," Vala chirped as she took a drink and passed the rum over to Elizabeth. "Osiris is every inch the tyrant bent on destroying everything he cannot bend to his will. Ba'al just likes to live that way while he does as he pleases. He finds a certain amount of fear makes the peasantry that much easier to control. Not the best system, but indeed necessary for the present." Licking her lips, she winced as the rum caught the wound on her cheek where she'd gotten the blood.

Elizabeth felt the rum sting her throat and she hoped it would shock her mind out of her confusion. "And Jack?"

"Also necessary," Vala grinned and popped a sweet pastry into her mouth. "What good is being a tyrant if no one opposes you openly so you can hate them?"

That actually made Elizabeth smile as she reached for a piece of bread. "Jack is in collusion with Ba'al?"

"Osiris has spies everywhere rats have ears," Vala explained patiently as she shook her head in surprise. "I thought even the provinces knew that."

"I've been at sea a long while," Elizabeth admitted sheepishly sitting next to the Egyptian on the rack. "I seem to have missed the political intrigue."

"Ba'al has his plans, and Jack fits into them nicely," Vala offered as she passed the rum back to Elizabeth. "Osiris must be stopped, open rebellion would be too messy and drag on over too many years. The Lucians, the pirate scum-" Vala grinned and leaned in closer with her chin on her knee, "-even our gorgeous men of the flock have their parts to play in the grand scheme- Ba'al's grand scheme." Waving that away, she reached for Elizabeth's hair and toyed with a lock of it. "It's a shame you have to be a man when you'd be so lovely as a woman."

Blushing slightly, Elizabeth nearly choked on her rum.

"Did John have you yet?" Vala asked as she sniffed Elizabeth's hair and shook her head in answer to her own question. "I don't know why you're bothering to resist him. The man is an artist with his words and a musician with his fingertips. Not to mention certain skills with other, less poetic body parts."

"I don't think I want to be had," Elizabeth answered as she tried not to look like she was pouting.

Vala laughed and patted Elizabeth's head as if she were a wayward child insisting she'd never grow old. "Being had is one of life's great pleasures," she sighed and stretched thoughtfully. "We should all let ourselves be taken from time to time."

Jack pulled a long dagger from his boot and drove it into the table to hold his map still. Glaring at his glass bottle of rum as it dared to slide out of his read, he drew another dagger in his right hand and pinned it down by the ribbon around the handle. Pleased with himself, he grinned towards his paramour and waved for her to continue her explanation.

"It does little good to go over the plan if you're drunk already," the Lady Samantha Carter, countess of the fifty-first province of Ba'al's land of Nevada, shook her long blonde curls down over her shoulders and sighed as she let Janet pull the stays of her corset tighter.

"Not already," Jack lisped as he rolled his eyes and leered when they landed on the neat balcony of her white breasts. "I stopped drinking when you started going over the plan."

"-Again," Janet mouthed with him as she chuckled.

"-Again!" Jack continued as he felt the ship shift beneath them. "Bad weather," he remarked as his helmsman, a skinny bald man called Walter stumbled into the captain's cabin.

"We've missed Osiris' armada," Walter explained as everyone relaxed slightly. "I've also had word from shore. Doctor Wallace has been arrested as a traitor and Ba'al plans to execute him as soon as his witch has had her way with him."

"Thank you, Walter," Sam muttered in dismissal. Janet had finished her evil work and Sam stared at herself in the cracked mirror on the wall of the cabin in disgust. "Why did this monstrosity ever come into fashion?" she groaned as she waited for her chest to adjust to the corset. "Feels like I'm being crushed to death in Davy Jones' locker itself."

"Does wonders for your bosom, Carter," Jack quipped as he pulled himself lazily out of his chair and released the rum from the table. "Will you be going with her, imp?"

Janet Frasier appeared to have stolen her clothes from those left outside for young orphan boys in charity, but her eyes were bright and clear beneath her tousled brown hair. Passing as a youth frequently had its uses for her but the shake of her head was serious. "Osiris' men had a look at me when they sailed in, I'll cause too much trouble if I am recognized. Cameron should be sufficient as an escort."

"If I can explain how I afforded him," Sam sighed as she took a shallow breath and glared down at her breasts.

"Perhaps you have more assets than meet the eye," Jack quipped as he ran an admiring finger over her left breast and winked. "Though, the eye is certainly pleased with these new 'corsets'. Well invented, I say."

Fingering the dagger in her bosom, Sam rolled her eyes. Janet reached for her own dagger and joined in Sam's look of disgust.

Jack started to chuckle as he passed the rum to her. "I frequently go about reminding myself why I keep you on board," he replied drolly. "And aside from your healing hands, your ability to take your rapier wit to my heart never ceases to amaze me."

Janet shook her head and flashed a brilliant smile at her captain. "I'm going to go get myself cleaned up, so I actually look respectable when we go ashore for the fun parts," she offered as she pointed to the bright blue dress draped over Jack's bed. "Help the countess into that, would you, sir?"

"I much prefer taking it off," Jack replied reaching for Sam's waist so the breasts that had been shoved up by her hated corset were closer to his eyes.

"That'll be your reward," Sam purred as she pulled him over towards the overstuffed bed in the back of his cabin. Usually the bed lay empty, hammocks were more practical at sea, but when they were in port, the bed was something both of them were loathe to do without. "Cutting me out of this infernal torture device and putting me back in my proper attire."

Lifting the dress from the bed, Jack stole a kiss before he started draping the blue satin over her head. "So how do you intend to pretend to have the wealth for Cameron?" he asked as nibbled his way down her neck.

Sam could taste the rum on his lips and grinned wickedly. "I wanted both him and Cameron," she teased him as he reached around to grab a handful of his butt through her petticoat. "John will be useful, everyone suspects he's having an affair with the Lady Qe'tesh, so that gives us an excuse if needs be."

"We always need a fist full of back-up plans and a boot full of daggers, don't we?" Jack asked lightly before pulling the satin over her head. "Won't always be like this," he promised as her arms settled into the long, close fitting sleeves. Reaching around to do up the back, he sighed and turned her around when the buttons proved too numerous. Kissing the back of her neck as he moved her hair out of the way, he sighed and rubbed her bare shoulders. "We'll take her back."

"Jacob's ship," she sighed heavily and forced herself to concentrate on her hair. "My father never should have taken Osiris' contract. He should have known better."

"He was trying to keep you alive and unmarried," Jack reminded her as he handed over a pair of sapphire earrings he'd pulled from his vest pocket. The embroidered waistcoat had more pockets than a proper gentleman would have allowed himself, but Jack found them useful. "You could have been Osiris' new wife instead."

"I might have been easier to steal," Sam pointed out as she finished arranging her hair and switshed her skirts along the deck as she kept her feet. "He wouldn't have guarded me as well as the ship."

"I would have," Jack promised when she turned back to him, suddenly a lady instead of the lazy shipwright with mussed blonde hair he loved. "Meeting Cameron at port?"

"He'll be waiting for me, John too," Sam reminded him pulling her curls back to replace her gold hoop earrings with dangling pearls. "Both will be dressed far better than I."

"That's to be expected love," he muttered as he dug in a chest of jewels in the corner. Kicking it as he tossed costume jewelry out of the way, he stuffed his hands deeper until he came up with a glistening necklace of black pearls. "This will match your finery better I think," he decided as he pinned it around her neck. Nuzzling her forehead, he grinned when she turned up for a kiss. "I taught them well."

"You did," she agreed as her lips brushed his. "That you did."

Part 1
Part 2

Fluff!!!

2008-04-10T08:59:55Z

Title: Battlestar Night
Author: oparu
Rating: G
Pairing: Elizabeth/John, Sam/Jack, Teyla/Mac
Notes:

This belongs in the same universe as Out of Order and John's terrible vacation and the The Washington Detour. It's a universe with Sam/Jack, Teyla/Mac and Elizabeth/John. Kidlets, fluff and rather bad luck on John and Elizabeth's part.

There's more fluff to come and a whole thing about the Lanteans loving Battlestar.

"Guinness?" Jack asked hopefully when Mac arrived with a grey storage locker from the Aries in his arms.

"And Harp," Mac grunted as he dropped the box carefully to the floor. "Someone thinks Guinness is too dark," he mock glared at his wife before he reached for her petite shoulders to drag her in to be kissed. "Shouldn't have married you."

"I could have had you killed for impregnating me and refusing to support your offspring," Teyla reminded him as she wrapped a leg around his knees. Retaliating by scooping her up into his arms, Mac backed her towards the wall and proceeded to kiss her until she laughed throatily.

Jack looked away and pretended not to be amused. It was a rare occasion, Sam and Elizabeth had managed to find a night off together. Ronon was available to watch the kids, all of the kids, including his own baby son, Luke. Sam was still a little unsure about spending a night without him, but the thought of having a purely adult evening was deeply relaxing. He remembered when his life was so busy he barely thought about food between missions and trying to keep his ass alive. Now he worried about getting Sam's lunch to her, taking Luke fishing and trying to make sure she came home from command before midnight. He snapped the cap off of his beer and listened as the widget inside provided the proper amount of head. His amused look must have meant 'teach me for I am naive' to his wife and Sam wormed herself into his lap.

"It's nitrogen," she explained as she took a sip of her own and made him grimace.

"Sam," he murmured as he stroked her hair lazily. "I just want to drink my delicious, smuggling from Earth, beer, in ignorance."

Laughing around her bottle, she squeezed his hand and settled in against him on the couch. Taking another sip and reaching for the first bowl of popcorn on the table in front of her, Sam tilted her head towards the screen. "Where's John and Elizabeth?"

"Late," Mac quipped as he let Teyla drag him onto some cushions on the floor. Between the two of them, many of their conversations lately had turned towards having another child. Teyla's people had always tried to keep the population manageably small, but with the Wraith backed into a corner of the galaxy, things were looking up for Pegasus and all of her people. Mac still had hopes for his own SG team someday. "Did you?"

"I tried their radios," Teyla nodded as she let him open her beer with the bottle opener, before she opened one for him with a snap of her wrist. Grinning in appreciation, he kissed her hand and handed over a bowl of chips. "John's had some static, but Elizabeth's was off."

Jack sighed and followed Sam's eyes towards the corridor. "Did you check the bathrooms?" he asked lightly filling in the question everyone was asking themselves. "How's she doing?"

"Bastard," Mac snapped playfully as he lifted his beer towards Jack in a toast. "You're not letting this go are you?"

"You should not let him give you a hard time," Teyla interrupted as she covered her husband's smiling lips with her hand. "Our rooms are full of the items he has won in the pool. I believe he bribed Carson or Jennifer for insider knowledge."

"I've learned to dodge certain looks on the good negotiator's face," Mac explained in his defense when Jack lifted an eyebrow. "It was out of concern for my safety."

"Well done," Jack smirked in agreement as Sam elbowed his stomach and looked chagrined.

"You're collectively awful," She chastised him as she pulled the popcorn out of his reach. "It's not her fault."

"It's mine, really," John butted in from the doorway. Elizabeth had an arm wrapped around his neck, and both of his arms were around her waist protectively. "'Lizabeth was just telling me, I was the one who wanted to try for another kid."

"If I ever said I did," Elizabeth swallowed and lowered her head to his shoulder. "Or even sounded like I thought it might be a good idea- I was possessed at the time."

Sam gave her a sympathetic smile before she kissed Jack and left his lap to set up the video. "Didn't get any better after lunch?" she asked over her shoulder as Jack held out his arms and John guided Elizabeth in towards the couch. Surprising everyone, Jack led by hugging Elizabeth and leaning her back against the couch.

"We're not talking about lunch," John murmured in Sam's direction as he took a spot on the floor at Elizabeth's feet.

Sam's eyes softened and she lowered her voice for John. "That bad?"

"We can't really ban deodorant, hair gel, mouthwash, garlic, tomatoes, rubber--" he trailed off rubbing his hair when she smiled sadly and returned to fiddling with the hookups running from her laptop to the projector.

"DVD wasn't good enough?" Mac asked as he watched Sam maneuver her laptop into place.

Putting her laptop down as she watched Elizabeth shut her eyes and Jack whisper into her hair, Sam grinned slightly and wondered how he managed to get away with everything he continuously got away with. Never mind the fact that he'd won so badly in the last few social pools that Sumner wasn'tletting him in anymore, he somehow maintained a reputation as the laid-back retired general who was never too busy to spend an afternoon fishing and counseling lost souls. It was truly a charmed situation for him. "I prefer the high-def video on these projectors," Sam explained even though Mac wasn't listening. "Earth DVDs just give us that oddly pixelated look."

"Earth DVDs," Jack snorted playfully. "Who else has them?"

Sam tilted her head thoughtfully as she returned to the couch with the remote control for her laptop. "We have a few home movies."

"Burned onto DVDs from Earth," Jack reminded her as he let Elizabeth curl up on the couch with her head in his lap. Her hands were on the back of John's neck and she seemed peaceful.

Taking his beer away before he became truly unreasonable, Sam glared at him and kept the remote when he reached for it. "Everyone ready?" she asked the room. Teyla nodded serenely from the floor next to her husband. Mac had an entire bowl of popcorn to himself and grinned up over a handful. John was letting Elizabeth run her hands slowly though his hair and his hand was on her knee. Jack leaned across to whisper close enough to her ear that his lips tickled. "Remind me how much I love the fact that you don't get nauseous," he murmured with enough empathy to make her smile.

"I did a few times," she whispered back as the opening began with the Armistice station hanging in space. "When you were covered in awful things."

"That was fair," he whispered back as he looked down and waited for Elizabeth to open her eyes again. "Love you," he finished when Mac smacked his ankle for talking.

"I'll take your best lures--" the marine threatened before settling back to watch the show. "I'll let McKay use them to make capacitors or hand them off to Ronon for target practice."

"You're a cruel man," Jack quipped back observing Elizabeth being drawn in to the show and the way her eyes had become so intent on Sam's projector.

"Learned from the best," Mac retorted as he tilted his head towards Teyla. "Never argue with a woman who can track a life-sucking alien through a swamp on a moonless night."

Getting to Bed

2008-04-07T06:59:00Z

Title: Getting to Bed
Author: oparu
Rating: R
Pairing: Elizabeth/John
Beta: lanna_kitty who rocks at being up when I'm slacking off...
Notes: Probably falls in the middle of the ep. For notjustclosets.

Michael was still keeping her up at night. No matter how many times she tried to tell herself he was a Wraith even now, the idea that something human lived inside of every Wraith was deeply disconcerting. He looked so human; so confused when he looked up at her from the holding cell. She couldn't sleep and she'd been searching, desperately for something that would clear her conscience.

John's hand snaked invasively along her lower back and teased the waistband of her trousers. "I can't sleep," he complained softly into her ear. "Neither can you, apparently."

Hearing her voice catch in her throat, Elizabeth tried to shake off the shiver his touch ran up her spine. "I was trying to study what the Ancients knew about the development of the Wraith from the early Iratus bugs."

John winced at the mention of the creatures. "It's oh-three-hundred," he chided her with the hint of a chuckle in his voice. Feeling his lips rub against the back of her neck, Elizabeth sighed and tried not to think about the way his hip was pressed into her ass. "You should come to bed," he offered as he nudged his hip a little more firmly into her. "It's nicer with you."

"You can sprawl over the whole thing without me," she teased back deciding that a little flirting was better than having a serious discussion about how much time she liked to spend in his bed. "It's cooler--"

"Cold," he corrected as his thumb slipped beneath her panties. "Colder than your skin," John pretended to wine as he ran his thumb over towards her waist. "Don't you need your jacket down here in the archives?"

"I'm h-warm-" she choked as she narrowly avoided the innuendo, "Actually."

"Your ass isn't," John murmured with a lazy dirtiness that made her skin tingle and her chest tighten slightly.

"Maybe it doesn't need to be," Elizabeth quipped as she pressed a few buttons and pretended to distracted by her work. His right hand moved around to the button on her trousers, and then down the zipper. Pushing back away from his hand put her ass fully in contact with his hardening cock.

"Watching you work turns me on," he chuckled when she stopped in sudden surprise. "

His pointer finger dove into her trousers, skimming her panties before he started upwards.

Turning awkward towards him, Elizabeth tried to ignore the way his crotch was nearly level with hers. "Watching me work?"

John's left hand cupped her chin. "You bite your lip," he murmured as he kissed the back of his thumb instead of her skin and grinned when he felt her sigh in disappointment. "Damned distracting," he winked playfully. Turning her away from him, back to the console in front of her, John started easing her trousers off her left hip. "Keep working," he begged when she tried to face him again.

When she called up the next entry, he pulled her trousers off her other hip and a hint of the cool air of the room crept in to the heat building between her legs. Biting a gasp back into her throat, Elizabeth felt his fingers against the bare skin of her leg. "This isn't--" she started to protest.

"It isn't," he agreed in a purr as he deftly undid the clasp of her bra. With the binding fabric out of the way, his hands were able to cup the bare flesh of her breasts. Teasing her nipples with his palms, he pressed them against her rib cage as he started to nibble the back of her neck.

Hitting too many keys at once just stopped the archive where it was and she stared helplessly at the same paragraph as the words started to blur. Elizabeth's hands were starting to sweat as she gripped the console. Rubbing himself against her ass in a slow circle as he hardened further, John explored her with his hands. Running two fingers over her clit through her panties, he let the harshness of the fabric make her grow wetter that much more quickly. His thumb slipped around the seam and taunted her for a moment before he let it creep inside.

Moaning slightly, she bit it back reflexively.

"'Lizabeth," he growled into the back of her neck as he closed his left hand around one of her breasts. "No one can hear you." His groan as her fumbling hands jostled his cock through his trousers echoed his point.

Unlike their quarters, they had no neighbors down here. Tugging at the vent in his boxers, she laughed when he blew across the back of her neck to distract her. His left hand pinched her nipple lightly before he brought it back to her ass. Cupping the smooth skin of her hips, he used both thumbs to ease her panties down. Spreading her legs slightly with his knee, John let himself feel her ass against his cock.

His moan of pleasure when her hand found the aching tip made her shiver. John repaid the touch with two rolling fingers against her clit.

"Fuck me," she snapped desperately tilting her hips into his touch. With her back to him, she could barely get his boxers down, but somehow she managed. His cock seemed to scald her inner thigh and Elizabeth felt her knees start to give. John's fingers moved again, testing her as the tightness between her legs abruptly became nearly painful.

"Say it again," John pleaded as he lifting his cock to torture her just beneath her entrance. He ran himself along her once just to feel the wetness of her need. His lips were pressed against her neck and she could feel him struggling to hold onto his control. His fingers pressed up against her clit and her words turned into a startled cry of pleasure.

Elizabeth's breath rushed into her throat in a hiss. "Fuck me," she repeated and felt the words hang in the air between them. Pulling his cock up towards her, she bit her lip as he slid his way in. The tightness within her seemed to turn to heat as he pushed further. John stopped and she felt him catch his breath as he leaned with her over the console.

Fingering her clit until she was begging him with her hips to move. John Straightened up, and started to move inside of her. As if he was bringing his fingers and his cock together, he continued rolling her clit between two fingers as he quickened his pace. His breath echoed in her ears and the heat of it stung her neck. When she leaned down her breasts nearly skimmed the console and she guided his free hand to her chest.

Moaning as her knees started to tremble, Elizabeth rocked her hips back and forth in a haphazard rhythm with him. Her tightly wound body didn't have much endurance and her eyes started to sting. Her hand curled around his back, straining her wrist and her arm until he grabbed her hand and connected them. Moving her hips in counterpoint to his, she felt John's cock nearly pull out of her before he changed the angle and started forcing her tighter against the console.

Her panting turned guttural as he found his way deeper. The smack of his hips against her ass echoed from the walls of the archive. First she moaned with his movement, then Elizabeth couldn't tell what sounds she was making because all she could hear was his breath on her neck and the need in his throat. His hands were impossibly tight on her sides. His lips on her neck again sent her over.

Shuddering through the gutting orgasm that slammed into the back of her head, Elizabeth just stood there, trembling and nearly numb as John held her firm and thrust into her. His hot, sticky release ran down her inner thigh before she pulled up her panties and caught most of it in the fabric. His hands wrapped around her chest, squeezing her breasts before they dropped to her waist. His cock was still hot against her skin, but neither of them were desperate.

Turning in the circle of his arms, Elizabeth brushed his lips with hers before she tried his mouth with her tongue. He was still catching his breath and he broke the kiss to rest his forehead against her cheek. "Come to bed," he sighed as she started to laugh.

"I'm tired now," Elizabeth agreed raising an eyebrow as she started pulling up her zipper. Moving her feet nearly made her lose her balance as she forgot how shaky her knees were.

John's hand buried itself in her hair as he held her close. "It'll work out," he promised seriously.

Tightening her arms around his back into a hug, Elizabeth closed her eyes and sighed out all of the worry still in her chest. "Until then I suppose you'll want to distract me with sex?"

"I thought I was just trying to tire you out," he offered innocently reaching back to her breast.

Pretending to glare at the hand on her chest, Elizabeth leaned closer to his ear. "You're cute when you lie through your ass."

Dropping his hand from her breast, he grabbed one cheek of her butt firmly in each hand and winked. "Maybe if you got yours into bed earlier, I wouldn't have to."

Fic: Enduring

2008-03-24T06:36:09Z

Title: Enduring
Author: oparu
Rating: R
Pairing: Elizabeth/John
Beta: lanna_kitty FTW.
Notes: 2nd person POV might be a little jarring. (But I like it) SEX. For notjustclosets

Also dedicated to my darling wife. ;) Happy Birthday calleigh_j

You lick the tip and it's already wet. Your thumb slides along the end of his dick, running a neat half circle that makes him groan and dig his hand tighter into your shoulder. You toy with his dick, squeezing it slightly before you open your lips and pull him into your mouth. His hands slips along the back of your head, tossing your hair before he softly pulls you closer. Sucking surprised him, and you pull his dick further into your throat just to prove you can.

"Sorry," he murmurs in the back of his throat. His thumb rests gently on your forehead and you start to chuckle. Pulling away, you tease him with your tongue and pout as he drags his eyes off of the ceiling to look at you.

You can't stop thinking about that wanting in his eyes. When you're desperate and empty inside, you can make him beg for you. His hand is softer and the other finds your wrist and strokes it slowly. It's a feat of concentration for him but he chokes through the tightness in his throat.

John reaches for your free hand, groping until you let him have it. "Fuck, 'lizabeth," he pants and shivers when you toy lazily with the tip of his dick with a wicked tongue.

"Shhh," you suggest as you shift position. Your hair, much longer now than it was when you met, keeps getting the way, so you try to tuck it behind your neck. Releasing you hand long enough to help you, his gentle fingers dance down your skin and you start to tighten your grip on him. He groans again in soft frustration when the tip of your tongue grazes him once again.

"Tease," he accuses you as he twists and reaches for your breast. You think you aren't quite ready to be touched, but you shiver when his hand closers around the sensitive flesh. You swallow and he feels it against his thigh. He squeezes your breast a moment longer and reaches up to start undoing the buttons of his dress blues. The medals and ribbons clink against each other as your free hand runs up the white shirt beneath. He shrugs it off one shoulder and you take his dick into his mouth before he can move. Careful to keep him still, you wrap your hand around his hip and start pulling his black boxer shorts free.

This was just a conversation, a few minutes ago you were holding back tears.

Then he kissed you.

Then you remembered the way he begs you to touch him. How his eyes go dark and wild when he's inside of you. You knew you should have resisted, but you wanted him. You needed to be touching him, even though you aren't sure you deserved to be touched. Carson died on your watch.

You pull his boxers lower and move your head with his hips so he can feel more of you surrounding him. John groans again and leans back, forgetting his jacket as he reaches for your shoulder. You feel his hand dig into the muscles of your shoulder, feeling him tighten and release as you pull him further into your throat. Your jaw complains slightly, but you put it in the back of your mind because he's enraptured with you. He's wrapped up in the sensation of you so completely that his leg tightens against the bed.

Running your fingers under his balls, you feel him wince and remember how cold he thinks your fingers are. His are always warm, and the thought of them deep within you makes you start to ache. You squirm again, feeling him start to thrust into your mouth. Holding his hips down with your hands, you pull him almost out of your mouth and listen to the catch in his breath. The air is cold without you, and he thrusts back desperately into the warmth wetness of you. You let your breast drag along his leg, knowing he can feel you through the thin fabric of your camisole.

The hand on your shoulder nearly become painful, but he releases suddenly and desperately grabs the sheet instead as he starts to pull out of your mouth. You catch his eyes over his chest and hold him inside while he explodes behind your lips. It's hot and sudden, and you nearly gag because it's in the back of your throat. As you let him slip away, his dick softens in your hand and you pull away, covering your lips before you wipe them with the back of your hand. It's bitter and you must be wincing as you swallow because he looks apologetic.

The hand in your hair runs gently down the back of your neck and he pulls you up. When you're against his chest, he kissing you softly, his way of apologizing for the taste. John slips out of his jacket and it passes through your hands on your way to the chair by his bed. Your suit coat is already there, and his dress blues slump over it, as if sheltering the black fabric of your own funeral clothes. Holding you against his slightly damp undershirt, he gives up and pulls it off. With your cheek against his chest you sigh and start to relax. The ache between your legs resurfaces as his fingers trail lazily over your breast. Having them toy with your neck makes you squirm slightly and when he kisses you again he's asking for your permission.

Your uncertainty and residual self loathing fades into the twinge of heat in your crotch. You don't deserve to feel alive, not with Carson dead, but his lips toy with your ear. John whispers and you feel yourself flush. His breath is nearly as warm as his lips as he works his way down your neck. You don't remember when you took off your jacket, you may not have even had it on when you came to his quarters, but the only thing blocking his hands is the soft silk of the camisole and the flimsy bra beneath it. It's not much and his hands make their way through easily.

John rubs a nipple against his palm and his eyes settle on yours. "Feel better?" he asks gently. His voice is still soft and you grin wickedly because you know you were good.

"I needed to do something," you reply and hope he understands. The hand on your breast slips free of your shirt and traces a lazy pattern down your stomach. He toys with the waistband of your black dress pants and you part your legs. One knee falls slowly off the side of his bed and he grabs the other one. John turns you around, pulling you towards him as both of his hands reach for your pants. The two buttons, one inner and one outer, slide aside beneath knowing fingers. Sometimes you forget he was married and understands all of your clothing at least as well as you do. One finger slips into your pants as you sigh and reach for him. Wanting his tongue in your mouth, you beg with lips as you invade his.

John Sheppard has not earned his reputation for philandering by being a poor kisser and it only takes a moment or two for you to forget that your eyes still sting with tears you won't let yourself shed. Not until the city has had their chance to grieve can you take yours. You weren't even sure you would allow yourself the comfort of John's touch on your skin, but that you couldn't deny yourself once he touched you. One hand on your cheek and you were pushing him towards the bed.

Sometimes you love him because he doesn't argue with you.

Lifting your hips lets him peel the tight pants from your hips. He's gentle, almost overly so as he frees your feet. Taking the time to kiss the top of one of them, he chuckles as you try to avoid squirming away. "How are you going to bribe me to keep that a secret?" he teases as he finds a place on your neck to lick a slow line down towards your shoulder.

"I'll keep quiet about your action figures," you murmur drolly and he starts to slide you up towards the head of the bed. John's hands are on your inner thighs and he's still chuckling next to your ear. "As long as no one knows I'm ticklish."

"Captain Picard was the best," he insists as he starts pulling your panties off your hips. "No matter what anyone says about Kirk."

Leaning against the wall, you nuzzle his neck and let him pull your panties off your ankles. John runs his hands the full length of your legs. He loves to tease you, but you know he likes that it takes so long for him to run his hands across them. He toys with the stubble on your knee and you remember the time when you would have flushed in embarassment, now you just smile. Staring at you, naked below the waist, he smiles and runs the back of his hand across your inner thigh. Playfully resting the back of his hand against you, he rubs against you and you sigh.

John pulls you down, moving you towards the edge of the bed. There's a headless abandon to it, feeling your bare feet on the floor and his ear brush against your thigh. His right hand rests on your stomach as he raises your hips with a pillow. You've wondered why he does it, but usually a few moments of lips make you forget to ask. You know to trust him. His tongue runs along your thigh and teases it's way towards your vulva. John tries the edges first, tasting the wetness of you as you curl on his bed. Some days it's slow and you're grateful for his patience, tonight there's something festering in your heart and even though he's gentle, his fingers are a hard shock. He curls them up before he pulls out.

"Okay?" he asks softly turning his head to kiss your knee. His fingers are still but you can almost feel them moving. His thumb moves up to brush against your clit and you make a hushed noise in your throat instead of speaking.

"Good," you sigh finally as you reach down towards him. You fumble for his hand and find it. He squeezes it for a moment, letting you hang on as long as you need to.

There are tears in your eyes when he drops his mouth to your clit. You hush the gulped moan in your throat and wrap your free hand around the sheet. It's damp from John's sweat and you can smell him all around you. His fingers start to move again, reaching up and starting something building within you. You were afraid you couldn't, that the intolerable numbness was all through you, not just in your chest, but your body wants him. You close your eyes and lose yourself in the slow motion of his fingers. His tongue is gentle yet demanding, you lift your hips into him and he pulls your clit further into your mouth. It took some time before the trust between you was enough for each of you to know what to do.

John knows when he can push you, and he's learned when he can't. Faster than you thought he could read you, he had his fingers teasing you until you screamed. You always thought you didn't. Simon thought you were thoughtful, nearly soulful in bed. You thought that you were quiet. With John you're different, you gasp and he moves faster and sometimes you're terribly afraid that you might actually love him. found this part of you again. When you stifle another cry, he presses his fingers up and in and moves his tongue quickly, harsh enough to make you gasp.

Crudely squeezing his hand, you remind yourself to let go. You stop thinking about Carson and explosive tissues and your people lying in the infirmary. You let go of his hand and wrap your fingers in the sheet. He pulls you down, angles his head and his tongue moves faster. Faster still and your head starts to spin. You arch your back off the bed and teeter on the edge between the incredible pleasure of his touch and the exquisite pain of extraordinary stimulation. Finally what he's waiting for rips out of your throat and he stops. Your knees are trembling and he climbs between them. Your whole body sings, vibrating with the simple joy of completion. He slips through them and pulls you against his chest. John starts to kiss your forehead but you just bury your face in his neck. Your body is content, hanging in the incredible haze of his touch, but your mind
won't stop. You can't stop.

John kisses you again and he sees the tears on your cheeks. You try to brush them away but he stops your hands. You can feel the dampness of yourself on his skin but he holds you. He won't let you go. The shaking could be from orgasm or sleep deprivation, but it feels better to be wrapped against him. John pulls you into his chest and listens as your breathing slows and returns to normal. it would possibly end here -Opal Mattila 3/23/08 9:27 PM Tears are wet and running hot down your face when you start kissing him again. His eyes ask questions but you shake your head and keep kissing him. Bending your knees to straddle him, you tear his shirt off over his head. Guiding his hands to your breasts, you help him slid your bra off and the camisole drifts to the floor.

You can taste yourself on his lips and his hands are hungry for more of you. Rubbing your body over him, you feel him stiffen. Once he grabs your breast, you moan his name and he starts to harden against your stomach.

"Slowly," he suggests with a half-smile. "I take longer to catch up." You grind your hips against him, ignoring your clit until it stops throbbing. Stiffening beneath you, you sigh as he finds his way inside with his fingers. Rewarded by your moan, he kisses you harder. Pulling his fingers out, he runs one around in a slow circle until he knows you're ready. Your hands join his and you guide him in together. Your eyes lock and through the sleep deprivation and your joined grief connects you in a way you didn't think was possible. You barely feel him within you until he starts to move and you move with him.

At first you move in unison, then you break apart, finding the counterpoint that drives him that much deeper within you. His eyes stay locked on yours, he's further into your soul than you ever thought possible. He knows the things you aren't yet able to say. Maybe it's more than his body that keeps bringing you back. In his presence, you're comfortable naked, not just physically, but truly stripped of everything you hold up between yourself and the world.

Your nose brushes his and he smiles wryly. Kissing his chin, you close your eyes just for a second and he coaxes them open with a grunt. You're having trouble concentrating so he flips you, bending your knee up and back as he looks for better leverage. Trapped between him and the smell of him on his bed, you loose yourself in his eyes. Your body has it's own wants and you tilt up, letting your clit rub against the soft hair on his stomach. His hands wrap around you, one holding you close for leverage and the other slips around, taking some of the wet and running it up to your sensitive nerves.

Crushing you against his chest makes the hair tickle your nipple and you wonder aimlessly when they became so sensitive. Kissing him gentles the rushing of your heart, the sounds in your throat make him nudge your eyes back to his.

"Look at me," he orders and the soft authority makes you stop for a moment. In that moment, he's hard inside of you, his fingers rub over your clit but it's his eyes that drill into you. His soul is yours, he's handing it to you with all the honesty in his heart and you suddenly realize you want to take it.

After that moment, your orgasm seems like an afterthought. The shuddering of your body beneath him as he thrusts his way to join you. He's hot and wet inside you and you can feel his ejaculate seep into you. He starts to pull out and you shake your head. Biting your lip, you unclench the desperate hand in his hair and rest it on his back. "Stay," you plead with hissing breath. He nods and his lips brush against your cheek.

Pulling back, John rests against your chest and lets you hold him for once. "How's your speech?" he asks thoughtfully pulling you back to reality.

"I went with George Fabricius," you explain as he slips to the side and rests on his elbow. True to your request, your bodies are still joined together. Your foot runs down his leg and you sigh around the knot in your throat. "I couldn't find a Scottish poet that really worked."

"Carson would say it's too grand for him," John points out as he smiles over at you. Reaching for his watch on the nightstand, you bury your still-stinging eyes in his neck. "But I like it."

"John-" the hesistation in your voice says it for you.

"Me too."

fic: "Quiet"

2008-03-16T07:43:19Z

TitLe: Quiet
Author: oparu
Rating: teen+ (mature themes)
Summary: John realizes there's something wrong with Elizabeth, but he can't put his finger on it. Post-Intruder.
Pairing: Elizabeth/John, Elizabeth/Simon

For spacemaori. Who made me FANTASTIC art.

iJohn kept expecting the dark circles under her eyes to fade. Trying to sneak into her office around the time he thought she should be sleeping, he started noticing the pattern almost as soon as she tried to hide it. Around twenty-one hundred, Elizabeth started to wear out, almost as if she was shutting down. She'd get coffee, for the last week she'd gone for a thermos and returned to her desk. When that failed to make her stop yawning, she'd start working standing up.

The last time he'd nonchalantly wandered by her office, she'd looked dizzy as she rubbed her temples. Coming up with a pathetic reason, double checking the crew evaluations, John lurked in the command center and watched her out of the corner of his eye. After twenty-seven minutes of rather obviously pretending to not be watching her, he gave up, dropped his feet to the floor, closed his tetris game, even though he was winning and wandered into her office.

Up close Elizabeth actually looked ill, she was two shades paler than normal, and she had trouble hiding it enough to smile at him.

"John," she began as she stared from her computer to him as if she was trying to decide if she should actually sit down and risk falling asleep. "Can I help you with something?"

"Just finishing my evaluations," John said tapping the palm pilot in his hand. "I figured as long as I'm ahead of Rodney he'll get the death glare instead of me." Taking his customary spot on the corner of her desk, he watched sympathetically as she bite her lip and sank into her chair. "You okay?"

"Yeah just-" Elizabeth stopped herself and shut her computer. "Nevermind."

"I-" John licked his lips and tried to act like he wasn't distinctly uncomfortable. "If there was something wrong with me, I'd talk to you."

She raised an eyebrow in quiet surprise and he shook his head slowly. "Okay," he corrected. "I would think about talking to you, and if I needed to I would."

Sitting back in her chair slowly, Elizabeth crossed her arms over her chest and studied him thoughtfully. "Do you think I need to talk?"

The bait hung in the air between them and he had to force himself to hold her gaze. "Yeah," John finally confronted her. "That or sleep. Lots of sleep."

"I have two days off," Elizabeth answered and sent him reeling slightly.

"You have those?" John wondered half-mockingly as he watched her shut down her computer.

Elizabeth smiled softly and seemed almost sad. "These two are mandatory," she started to explain before pausing and staring at him thoughtfully. "Do you have anything to drink?"

Missing a step on way out of her office, John took a moment to remember how to walk before he nodded. "You mean-?" he asked curiously.

"Beer, wine, moonshine...anything that makes you forget your problems," she chuckled dryly and caught the railing for a moment before shaking her head.

"Should you really be-?" he wondered as his hand went out to her protectively. "If you're sick, I mean."

"Being tired and being sick aren't the same thing," Elizabeth answered primly. To his amazement, she also accepted his hand and held it carefully in hers. "Every have one of those days you're certain just won't end?"

"Here?" John asked as he marveled at her letting him lead her to her quarters. "Frequently."

She smiled and nodded slightly, for a second she seemed like she was biting something back. "I might not be the best company tonight," Elizabeth apologized as he brought them to a halt outside her quarters. "I know we're not terribly close. I'd rather not impose on you."

Shrugging as he moved to lean against the doorway, John nodded as he searched her face for something that told him to leave. Finding nothing, he cleared his throat. "Who else have you got?"

"I used to have a dog," Elizabeth replied vaguely even as she opened the door to her quarters.

"Sedgewick," John remembered shyly following her in. In stark contrast to the last time he'd seen her room, this time it was messy. Red t-shirts and uniform trousers were in a pile in the corner instead of in neatly in the bin. Paperwork, some of it even the old fashioned type, and her spare computer were in a mess on the table by the bed. "Right?" he asked as the door shut them in together.

Sighing as she sank into her sofa, Elizabeth closed her eyes before she opened them sadly. "Simon has her now. I'm trying to get my mom to take her, but she's not sure she's ready to have a dog. She loves to travel and her job keeps her rather occupied."

"That has to be hard," John sympathized as he waved her quiet for a moment and tapped his comm. "There's a case under my bed," he admitted to Ronon over his radio. "No, move the box, behind that. Bring it to Elizabeth's quarters--"

"_shut up," he snapped as Elizabeth started to smirk at him. "Yes, all right, yes. Just bring it would you?"

"Ronon's bringing us beer-" he explained as she nodded and pulled her feet up onto the sofa.

"My quarters?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

John stood in front of her and waited for her to give him permission to sit. "Not quite my usual pattern," he shrugged and hoped Ronon wouldn't have too much fun broadcasting where he was. "Suppose the IOA wouldn't go for a dog on Atlantis?"

Elizabeth was slowly curling tighter, as if her stomach was causing her pain. "I had a hard enough time talking them into letting me keep you," she teased through tight lips. "I'm sorry."

John took a step closer and stared down at her wondering if there was something he was supposed to say. "For what?"

"I think that was a little harsh," she admitted as she reached over to pat the sofa next to her. "Not everyone thinks as highly of dogs as I do."

Sitting down nervously next to her, John noticed her left hand was wrapped neatly around her stomach and he decided that she actually was in pain of some kind. "Are you sick?"

"Carson gave me something," she answered as her eyes closed for a moment. "At first it made me feel foggy, then tired, then- now- it's like someone's trying to sandblast something out of my insides." Biting her lip as she rolled her head towards him, she must have seen the confusion in his face because she sighed again. "How much is too much?" she asked as Ronon's heavy hand knocked once on the door. "I shouldn't just drop my life in your lap, should I?"

John stared at her for a moment before he got up and hurried to fetch his beer out of the corridor before someone got their hands on it. Two were missing from the six pack, but he figured that was a fair trade. Setting it at the foot of the sofa, John glanced around Elizabeth's quarters before he reached into his pocket for his utility knife and used it to open two of the bottles. "Useful," he shrugged as he handed a bottle to her.

"It's warm," she teased as she took a sip from the brown glass.

"You can drink it warm," John promised her as he flipped the top off another bottle and returned to her on the sofa. "At least, that's what the general said when he handed it over to me as a promotion gift."

Turning her head towards him, Elizabeth took another sip and smiled softly. "Remind me to tell him he's a good man," she replied thoughtfully before she went back to their previous conversation. "May I ask you something personal?"

"Giving you beer isn't enough?" John teased as he stared down his beer bottle towards his shoes. "Sure," he answered more seriously.

Elizabeth pulled her knees tighter and tucked them underneath her after she tossed her boots to the floor. "Why don't you have any children?"

Startled slightly, John stared at the small art pieces on the wall across from the sofa. "Never got around to it, I guess," he began slowly as the question sunk in. "I was married--" he caught her nodding out of the corner of his eye. "Nancy didn't want 'em, she was busy. They would have cut into her work a lot more than mine. I was always doing things like this- not quite this-" he corrected when she smirked at him. "I guess I couldn't make the commitment to being home long enough to raise them and she wasn't interested in doing it without me."

Elizabeth let his words hang in the air for a long time before she spoke. "What about now?"

"Now I'm in another galaxy," John replied simply. "I'm not married anymore. I suppose I'd have to have a woman- girlfriend-" catching himself tripping on his words he grinned at her over his beer. "You know."

"I always made them- children- a 'later'," she replied to her own question. "Later when I'm done with my dissertation. Later when I'm out of the Middle East, later when Simon--" there she stopped.

"He's the one who turned you down," John finished the thought for her as he shifted on the sofa and started facing her. "Carson said there was a doctor you wanted to come along. The guy didn't want to sign the waiver?"

Elizabeth's eyes suddenly went harsher. "Something like that," she explained without saying what was in her tone. "I slept with him," she admitted in a softer voice. "I was foolish, I thought- I was- I had feelings for him that I'd been carrying around for a year."

"Going home just brought them back," John finished for her. "Brought everything back worse than it was before. You forget you haven't been there, you loose your tolerance."

Grinning softly, Elizabeth clung to the beer in her hand as she swirled the bottom of it. "Like that part of university where you were so busy you forgot you hadn't had a drink all semester and got yourself pissed on a single beer?"

"Pissed?"

Shrugging, she drank the last of hers and accepted another one with a nod. John flipped off the top and passed it into her hands. "Year abroad," she explained as she sucked on the top of the bottle and tried to keep the foam on the floor.

"Just a year?" he asked lightly as he pondered how much he didn't know about her. Had she sat in pubs in England like he had once? Watched cricket? "Thought you'd lived on every continent."

"You just say drunk in China," she replied thoughtfully as she rolled the beer in her mouth. John had watched her grow steadily paler as the night had rolled onward. Elizabeth closed her eyes and brought her free hand back to her stomach.

"Carson didn't give you any pain meds," John realized when her face contorted slightly.

"Didn't ask," she corrected through clenched teeth. "Didn't seem right."

John took the beer bottle from her hand so she could wrap both of them around the pain in her abdomen. "You don't need to be punished," he reminded her awkwardly reaching for her shoulder. Elizabeth shuddered as if something cold had run over her body. When he didn't pull away, she moved closer to him. "It's okay." His assurance seemed pathetic, but she clung to his hand with a sweaty grip. "I can't know what it's like," he continued softly. "But it's okay."

Her head rested on his shoulder for a moment before he guided it into his lap. John felt her sigh heavily, but she seemed to need the contact. He didn't have anything to say, but her hand remained wrapped around his.

"Did I ever tell you about my time in Germany?" he began when the quiet in her quarters was starting to settle. "I pissed off my commanding officer and got myself transfered to Ramstein--"

She Sleeps, You Dream

2008-03-14T07:32:45Z

Title: She sleeps, you dream
Author: oparu
Rating: R (implied sex)
Pairing: Elizabeth/John
Summary: 2nd person POV, John can't sleep
Notes: for timeboundpythia ! I hope you like it.

If she would move her head, you could roll over and let the circulation back into your arm. She won't, so you stroke you fingers lightly over her jaw and wonder what is it you've done to deserve this moment. It doesn't matter that you can't sleep, insomnia is a blessing when she's with you because you have these quiet moments.

Your body is still pleasantly sore and you can still taste her on your lips. You run your tongue over your lips again and find the spot where she bit your lip a little too hard. You teased her until her eyes were wide and you laughed. She threatened to bite you somewhere else and you relented. She was over and around you and laughing seemed to be your only appropriate release.

Then she rode you, crushed the slight weight of her body against yours until your flesh ached and sang for her in the same breath. Breath- your breath- she gasped into your lungs, rushed back in the harsh grunted prayer of her name when you filled her. Sweat wasn't the only thing wet on your skin and hers, and you realize now you'll have to change the sheets.

You wonder if anyone notices how often you do your laundry. You decide no one notices that anymore than they notice the two of you sneaking back to each other's quarters.

Tonight was different, there's a word in her mind that made her fall asleep wrapped up around you as if she is part of the tangled sheets on your bed. The word dances between you, as solid as the air was so many moments ago when you almost lost the ability to breathe. She had that forced calm that always frightens you, and you let yourself grow still and take those few extra breaths to catch up. She needed you to say something you couldn't say. You held her hand and pulled her to you, counting on your chest to be what you couldn't voice.

Kissing her seemed natural then, and when you got to the point where you stop, where the two of you always stop, this time you didn't. You didn't need to because that thought was over. You stopped anyway, reaching for your dresser out of habit. She was the one who whispered it was all right.

You can't help wondering if it is. If this mass of stolen moments and sleepless nights can be enough to hold something more. Does it have to be? You ask yourself. You have options, but you won't let yourself consider them. It's hers more than yours and you're nearly so afraid of the thought that leaving it up to her seems cowardly.

In the end, she just wants to be held. You didn't talk.

Rolling her head to your chest, you feel the pins and needles as blood rushes back into your arm. She's safer here. You almost wish you could keep her, hold her safe while the world goes on without you. You'll never say it, but you're tired. Give and tak- ebb and flow- you can't help feeling the tide runs out a little further each time and comes back more weakly.

She feels it too. It's in her face when you're alone. You wonder if anyone else can see it and worry that this will drain her faster. That word comes up again, snaking into your mind and shaking you out of the pleasant half-sleep.

Your ceiling is too blank, too quiet for the turmoil in your mind.

You've made choices and you never thought they were leading you here. You thought you were past here and there was no returning to it. You saw her with that Mike Branton, the man who wasn't you in all the ways that matter, but, she came to your bed when Carson was dead.

You went to hers when you couldn't sleep the night after. You clung to her when you were too lost to cry. Crying is admit weakness, fucking her is, well, another weakness entirely. One you allow yourself too often.

It's lost some of it's power, instead of the blinding rush you usually feel, you came in a sob and she was worse. She nearly cracked when she collapsed against you. Neither of you know what to say and you can't stop wondering if she'll end it.

You won't.

You can't.

Not before, not even now, when your better senses promise you this could be a mistake that ends both of you. There's too much fear for that to be wholly true. You feel like you've been kicked in the gut when you think about it too long.

You kiss her forehead. Her legs rub against yours. She sighs and you hold on. You don't notice falling asleep, but when you wake up she's the one watching you.

Reaching for her cheek, you feel your heart start to ache when she smiles. She moves her lips and you pull her down to kiss her.